By holding on to the past through guilt, longing, denial, and resentment, I discovered that I wasted time that could have been used to transform today and tomorrow. I used to feel guilty about things that had happened, things I had done or other people had done to me. Although I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything became my fault, and I could never let it go. I was in denial about many things and held on to anger for weeks. Sometimes, I tried to forget my past, but I couldn’t stop and sort it. My past was like a fog that surrounded me, and I couldn’t shake it off. I think I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.
I’ve been recovering for weeks, and I’m learning I can’t forget the past. I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger. I had to start with stopping to blame myself for aching events that took place, and trust that everything had happened on schedule, and truly all is good. I’ve learned to stop regretting and to start being grateful. I’ve learned to see my past compassionately, trusting that God was in control, even then.
I’m still healing from some of the worst things that could happen to anyone. I’ve made peace with myself about these issues, and I’m able to see how those things helped form my character and developed finer points in my personality. We can’t control our past, but we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for ourselves and others.